Human-Loving Misanthropy

My New Pen Name is Porker Patton: "Why i Ate Myself"

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:56:00 -0500

Throughout the history of America, there has always been an age-old question acting like an invisible hand that keeps us all away from cannibalism: “why did I eat that?” Pop culture has created ubiquitous questions in regards to the food we eat. Take for example, “why did the old lady swallow the fly when, in fact, it caused a chain reaction thus leading to her own demise?” or “Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?” What about the movie “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”? Porker Patton asks the imperative questions when writing the book, “Why i Ate Myself”- which, just like the old lady, led to his imminent demise. The award winning author for “What I’d look like as a slimmed steak” will ask the questions “Why didn’t you eat the cookie jar” and “instead of what ate Gilbert Grape, what is Gilbert Grape eating?”

The New York Times raves: “Another triumph for Porker. He really knows a lot about food.”
Harper’s Magazine says: “This sucked”
The New Yorker comments: “I thought his name was Chris”

"Like stepping from one dry rock to another.. to get across the river.. you want to know the path..."

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 10:11:03 -0500

“Like stepping from one dry rock to another..
to get across the river..
you want to know the path beforehand - so you don’t have to turn around and go back.”

- Thomas Patton (In response to my E-mail explaining that I may try to graduate this year)

"I love meat. I eat pork chops, thick bacon burgers, and the seared fatty edges of a medium-well-done..."

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 08:14:00 -0500

“

I love meat. I eat pork chops, thick bacon burgers, and the seared fatty edges of a medium-well-done steak. But I especially love moose and caribou. I always remind people from outside our state that there’s plenty of room for all Alaska’s animals—right next to the mashed potatoes.

*A caption next to a photo of her posing with a dead caribou:*

I just shot it. It may not look like a trophy but it’s good eating.

”

- Sarah Palin

(From the New Yorker)

Hey Alex

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 18:13:55 -0500

Remember our plan to make both you and me famous?

This is FUN!

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 12:47:00 -0500

10. Lauren Bacall

9. Maggie Gyllenhaal

8. Mila Kunis

7. Rachel McAdams

6. Kristen Bell

5. Emma Watson

4. Natalie Portman

3. Freida Pinto

2. Rosario Dawson

1. Marion Cotillard

This is FUN!

The Old Man and the Boy

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 12:59:37 -0500

jschlosser:

Tell me a story, the boy said. He was sitting on the floor and the fire was hot behind him and the flames were in his eyes and the old man thought he looked like he’d just been born, born at the age he was with all the world lying before him.

A story, said the old man.

Yes, said the boy. He smiled and his hands were folded on his knees and he was stretching upward like he thought being closer would make the story come faster.

And it would, the old man thought. He folded his own hands and he looked at the fire and he heard the winter outside. It was the heart of winter in the mountains and the wind was bringing the clouds down and filling the pass and they were still awake because there would not be school the next day. The man watched the fire on the wood, the shine off the rafters, the flickering movement on the black panes of the windows.

A story, he thought. What a damn request that is. He sat and the chair was suddenly not under him anymore and he wanted to tell the boy about the war. He wanted to tell him about coming up the road to the camp, the snow caking their boots, the frost on their lips and on their eyes, the cold in the barrels of their guns. About the way the sun felt like it had died, as they came up that road, as they saw the beaten trees and the scared ditches and then the chain fence around the camp with its abandoned gun towers like the skeletons of giants. About how they came to that fence and there were bodies behind it, corpses, smaller skeletons that were standing and breathing and watching them come. Men who were dead but who were not yet dead. How they came up to the fence and opened the gate and then, only then, the men realized that the other soldiers were truly gone. He wanted to tell the boy how they’d wrapped those men in their blankets and taken them out to meet the trucks and how the men had been looking back both with hate and with longing, because of what they’d left there.

But he couldn’t, the old man knew. He couldn’t. So he said: Once Upon a Time. And he told the boy about a knight who’d never lived and how he’d saved a town full of people who’d never lived from a fire-breathing dragon who’d never lived. He told the boy how that imaginary knight had killed the dragon and ended its fire and thrown its bones into the lake, and how the people the knight had saved had watched those bones sink with both hate and with longing.

When he was done, the old man sat back and the chair had returned and it was hard against his back and he could feel the snow still caking his feet and the fire warming his face at the same time. He sat and he remembered the way they’d brought those broken men to meet the trucks, and, when he looked down, the little boy had fallen asleep on the rug and the light was in his hair.

I want Mr. Schlosser to be recognized for a great FF here. Too many times we look at Tumblr and only click the oversaturated symbolic heart for the mindless shit of the internet. In fact, it seems that most “<3”s are given to people who reblog cute cats and rascle dogs, maybe some sort of food representative of our impending triple bypass. Sometimes we like videos of obscure rock bands that we pretend to like in order to be “cool”, or fleeting colloquialisms of our time that represent our jaded sentiments of existentialism. Other times we click the heart because Our Mutual Friend is sharing a Coke with a New Yorker in a New York office building. Nonetheless, we miss out on the real pieces of gold because we’re too busy trying to glorify internet garbage instead of enrich our minds with the wealth of knowledge our immediate friends have to share with us. In a roundabout and longwinded way, I want to say, great work, Jon.

The Ending of LOST Spoiler Alert

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:04:00 -0500

Aliens

"Dear Chris, We regret that we are unable to use the enclosed material. Thank you for giving us the..."

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 19:15:00 -0500

“

Dear Chris,

We regret that we are unable to use the enclosed material. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider it.

Sincerely,

The Editors

”

- This is what my E-mail from The New Yorker said in response to my fiction submission. My query letter ended with “Sincerely, Chad Patton (chad.t.p@gmail.com).”

I have no words.

Who are you here, Terry O’Quinn? Why, you’re The...

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 00:00:13 -0400

Who are you here, Terry O’Quinn? Why, you’re The Stepfather.

Watched this movie tonight. Totally 80s, totally Gr80s.

In Honor of Tyler Card. A great man who was propositioned by a...

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 09:02:09 -0400

In Honor of Tyler Card. A great man who was propositioned by a hooker.

Beirut- My Night with a Prostitute from Marseille

I Want That

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 08:53:59 -0400

I Want That

adamichael: shannadipaolo: courtneyc: Bon Iver + St....

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 09:00:00 -0400

adamichael:

shannadipaolo:

courtneyc:

Bon Iver + St. Vincent - Roslyn. (via helenrice:thegooglymoogly)

A couple things about this song

1. I can’t wait to get the Twilight Saga New Moon Album so I can listen to this all the time.
2. This song might as well be called Roslyn by Bon Iver and Back-Up Singer
3. If you listen closely to the end it sounds like Bon Iver and St. Vincent are howling, which speaks worlds about what New Moon represents with the emergence of Jacob’s werewolfing abilities and the trust he builds with Bella that inevitably causes him to show his true colors.

A Question for Alex Karpicke

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 12:48:03 -0400

Hey Alex,

I hope you’re day has been eventful. I’m at work so- you know.
Question: does out position paper have to be double or single-spaced?

This is Andrew Bird with St. Vincent playing a Take Away Show.

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 09:25:42 -0400

This is Andrew Bird with St. Vincent playing a Take Away Show.

I have a couple videos for everyone today. Here is the...

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 09:24:12 -0400

I have a couple videos for everyone today. Here is the first:

Grizzly Bear- Foreground

andreaallen: caseydonahue: Brad! Written, directed, edited,...

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 12:37:21 -0400

andreaallen:

caseydonahue: Brad!

Written, directed, edited, and composed by CaseyD. Shot by Blake. Starring Brad.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaad.

This is so good.

Love Like a Sunset Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix (Remix...

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 23:30:00 -0400

Love Like a Sunset

Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix (Remix Collection)

Mix together Animal Collective and Phoenix and you get something pretty great.

Spike Jonze's Story in an Interview

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 21:14:16 -0400

Jonze: It’s interesting because at this point it’s being talked about. I met some guy on the subway the other day—I was waiting on the subway platform for the F train the other day, and this guy comes up to me who’s roughly my age, and he said, “Is the F train running today? God, I’ve been waiting here forever, and I’ve got to get down to this record store. It’s the only used-CD store in town.” And he was very friendly, nice guy, so I was talking to him about used-CD stores, then the guy was like, “You know what movie I can’t wait to see is Where the Wild Things Are.” And I was looking at him, trying to see—is he just messing with me now? Does he know that I made this? Or is this sincere? And so I just listened to him talk for a minute, and I said, “What made you say that?” And he said, “Oh, because I used to skate a lot, and it made me think, the director’s a skateboarder, and I like his stuff,” and I was like, “Uh-huh.” And so I’m still waiting to see, is he messing with me? And he keeps talking about the movie, and how he’s heard about it, and he’s like, “The movie’s amazing.” And I asked if he’d seen it, and he was like, “No, but I saw the trailer. I know it’s controversial—they said it’s controversial. I think something really crazy happens at the end.” [Laughter] And at this point, I’m still trying to figure out if he’s messing with me, so I’m like, “Are you f—king with me?” “No, no, they said it’s controversial,” and then he’s going on, and he’s telling me how the director made all these music videos, he made skate videos, and I finally realize that he is just genuinely being sincere, and this conversation’s gone on for 10 minutes, and I finally say, “I’m Spike, I’m the director,” and he just looked at me for a minute and he got really sincere and he’s like, “Oh, so why is it controversial?”

Full Toy Story 3 Trailer

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 13:28:13 -0400

Full Toy Story 3 Trailer

1000 best films

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 14:13:00 -0400

I’ve seen 108. I hope this makes me even more of a hipster, Joe.

You probably think I love being a dick to you. I do.

josephmichael:

I’ve seen 107 of these. Not very good compared to some. The list isn’t bad, though.

Human-Loving Misanthropy

My New Pen Name is Porker Patton: "Why i Ate Myself"

"Like stepping from one dry rock to another.. to get across the river.. you want to know the path..."

"I love meat. I eat pork chops, thick bacon burgers, and the seared fatty edges of a medium-well-done..."

Hey Alex

This is FUN!

The Old Man and the Boy

The Ending of LOST *Spoiler Alert*

"Dear Chris, We regret that we are unable to use the enclosed material. Thank you for giving us the..."

Who are you here, Terry O’Quinn? Why, you’re The...

In Honor of Tyler Card. A great man who was propositioned by a...

I Want That

adamichael: shannadipaolo: courtneyc: Bon Iver + St....

A Question for Alex Karpicke

This is Andrew Bird with St. Vincent playing a Take Away Show.

I have a couple videos for everyone today. Here is the...

andreaallen: caseydonahue: Brad! Written, directed, edited,...

Love Like a Sunset Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix (Remix...

Spike Jonze's Story in an Interview

Full Toy Story 3 Trailer

1000 best films

The Ending of LOST Spoiler Alert